Morgetron Family Theater

(Adeline and Jodie are in the car.)

Adeline: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Jodie: For you to listen to me and be nice to me all the time.

(Pause.)

Adeline (laughing): No … really.  What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Jodie (not laughing at all): I already told you what I want.

Adeline: No. No. No.  WHAT do you WANT?

Jodie: Okay. How about to be left alone for one solid day?  Nobody gets to bug me.

(Extended dramatic silence.)

Adeline: Well, you know that’s not going to happen.  (Pause.) So what do you want?

(Jodie’s brain implodes, thus eliminating Adeline’s dilemma altogether. And they lived happily ever after.)

 (Jodie is on the phone in her classroom talking to Caleb, who is still at work.)

Jodie: We need to buy Joel a birthday present. What should we get him?

Caleb: I was thinking we should get him a pocket knife.

Jodie: A weapon? Are you sure? 

Caleb: Every boy needs a pocket knife.

Jodie:  Needs one?  Really?

Caleb: Yes. Do you know how many knives I had when I was a kid?  I used to carry a bag of assorted knives around with me when I was eight years old.

Jodie: And you think that was a good idea?

Caleb: No. But, I do think having a pocket knife is important for all boys.

Jodie: Well, I can stop by Cabela’s on my way home tonight.  What type of pocket knife should I get?

Caleb: It’s okay. I’ll be going right past Tractor Supply on my way home. I can stop.

Jodie: Okay. Sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit.

Caleb: Okay. Love you.

Jodie: KayLoveYouBye.

(They hang up.)

——

(An hour later, Jodie’s cell phone rings.)

Jodie: Hello?

Caleb: Hey.  I got the knife.

Jodie: Okay. Great. (awkwardly long pause)  Cool.  You got the knife.  So, what’s up?

Caleb:  Nothing. I just wanted you to know that I got the knife.  I have it right here in my hands right now. 

Jodie: Rock on with your bad self.  (pause) Okee dokee.  Well, do you need me to pick up wrapping paper?

Caleb: No. I will wrap it. (There is an odd longing in his voice, as if he’s admiring some sort of brilliant piece of art, or zoning in on a 8-point buck)

Jodie: Awesome possum.

 (Pause …….)

Caleb (finally snapping out of the odd daze in which he seems to be): Okee dokee. Well, I’ll see you tonight.  Love you.

Jodie: KayLoveYouBye.

(They hang up.)

——-

(The next night they are at their nephew Joel’s birthday party. They arrive separately. Caleb arrives first.)

Caleb: Can you tell which one is ours?

(He is referring to the gift. Jodie glances at the gift table and immediately picks the package wrapped in the funny papers, nestled among all the fanciness.)

Jodie: The classiest one on that table?

Caleb: Yup. 

——-

(It is gift unwrapping time.  They pile the packages by Joel.  When he gets to the funny paper wrapped package, Jodie takes note of its size.  It does not match her vision of what a wrapped pocket knife would look like, but she holds her tongue — amazingly.  Joel opens it and it is immediately obvious that it is NOT a pocketknife, but rather a full-tang six-inch blade. Suddenly Joel’s eyes take on the quality of a Looney Tune who has fallen in love with a creature of another species. Heather, Caleb’s sister and Joel’s mom’s eyes take on a similar quality—but for different reasons.)

Jodie: That is not a pocket knife.

Caleb: Happy birthday, buddy.

(Earlier in the morning, Caleb called Jodie’s cell phone to ask how to open the extra garage door so that he could take, her car to work (because he had tried to leave for work, but his truck kept stalling), even though Bill, Jodie’s dad was awake and definitely knew how to get into his own garage.)

(Jodie has since come upstairs to fuel up on coffee to stave off the headache that has been brewing all night.)

Bill: Why didn’t Caleb just ask me how to get into the garage?

Jodie: He probably thought you were still sleeping.

Bill: He knew I was awake. I said goodbye to him.

Jodie: Oh .. well … then … because Caleb thinks I’m magical and all-knowing and he doesn’t like to let me sleep in.

Bill: I won’t tell him otherwise.

(Jodie’s mom, Sheryl, is on the couch, giggling.)

Jodie: Please DO tell him.  Then maybe he won’t wake me up when he need a pair of underwear or wants to know how to open a garage door.

Adeline Morgetron, this morning as we dyed Easter eggs

(Jodie shakes awake Adeline and Friend A. They stare at her bleary-eyed and taken aback by the brevity of the night.

Jodie leaves to gather her clothing for the day and then returns to see them still in the same position which she left them in.)

Jodie: You have to get up. We need to be to Jen’s by 8:30.

Adeline (rubbing her eyes): What. Are. You. Wearing?

(Jodie is wearing a pair of knit culotte-style pajama pants and a floral tank top. She looks down at herself.)

Jodie: The pajamas I bought on the clearance table from Garden Ridge.

(Adeline gives her eyes another rub.  Friend A blinks, in some sort of early morning trance.)

Adeline: Not very flattering mom. Not very flattering.

Jodie: Thanks, jerk.

(This breaks Friend A out of the trance and they both fall into giggling.)

Jodie (under her breath): At least they’re awake now.