Text

(Adeline is sitting on the steps in the kitchen talking to Jodie, while Jodie makes dinner.)

Adeline: Mom?

Jodie: Yes?

Adeline: You know that song “Wiggle”?

Jodie: Yes.

Adeline: You know how Snoop Dogg says, “You got a bright future behind you”?

Jodie: Yes.

Adeline: That doesn’t even make sense.

Jodie: He’s referring to a lady’s butt.

(A light bulb appears above Adeline’s head, then swiftly darkens as this bit of enlightenment sinks in …)

Adeline: Oh.

(BEAT.)

Adeline: Ohhhhh.

(BEAT.)

Adeline: I thought he was just being grammatically incorrect.

Jodie: Nope. He’s just sort of making a pun.

Adeline: I’m sorry. I just do not have a dirty mind.

(Jodie stops chopping onions, walks over, kisses Adeline on the top of the head, and then immediately walks to the computer and Googles “HOW TO ENSURE YOUR CHILD NEVER DEVELOPS A DIRTY MIND.”)

Text

Scene 1

(Amanda, Keegan, and Jodie are strolling casually through the vendor area at a education convention. The vendors are eying them hungrily.)

Jodie: I hate going into this place, because I have trouble talking to people I don’t know.

(Jodie grabs a pencil from a vendor’s booth when she thinks he isn’t looking.)

Vendor: Help yourself, ladies.

Jodie, Keegan, & Amanda: Thank you.

(They continue looping their way around the booths.)

Jodie: Darn. I was hoping it was sharpened.

(They approach a booth where a man with extraordinarily, beautifully, exquisitely manicured eyebrows is standing eagerly seeking eye contact with all who cross his path.)

Jodie (making unexpected and unintentionally intense eye contact with the man): You have beautiful eyebrows.

Man: Thank you (awkward pause) You … have … a … beautiful … … … tattoo?

Jodie: Thank you?

(Amanda and Keegan continue to walk and Jodie trails behind, momentarily entranced by the magical eyebrows.)

Keegan: Is that why you don’t like talking to people you don’t know?

Jodie: Yup.

Scene 2

(Amanda and Keegan locate a Japanese-style napping pod somewhere in the bowels of the conference center and gently force Jodie into it, so they can wander through the vendor aisles in peace.)

Text

(Caleb is lying in bed watching Sons of Anarchy on the computer. Jodie walks in to get a sweatshirt out of the closet.)

Caleb: Will you do me a favor?

Jodie: Yes.

Caleb: Will you bring me more crackers?

Jodie: You’re eating crackers. In bed.

Caleb: Yes. I still have more chili and need more crackers.

(He takes a GIANT bite of chili and crackers from a bowl that was obscured by the computer. Jodie disintegrates into a pile of chili powder and blows away.)

Text

(For context: Jodie is allergic to mangos. 

Jodie, Caleb, Adeline, and Friend K are sitting around a table eating.)

Jodie: I accidentally touched some mango lotion today.

Adeline: Oh no! Why did you do that?

Jodie: It was leaking. I didn’t mean to.

Adeline: Mom!

Jodie: I washed it off right away. I honestly don’t think it has that much mango in it anyway.

Friend K: What’s the big deal?

Caleb: Jodie is allergic to mangoes.

Friend K: Aw darn!

Adeline, Caleb, and Jodie: What?

Friend K: I’ve always wanted to see someone have an allergic reaction!

Jodie: Sorry to disappoint.

Text

(Jodie and Xiola are working at the kitchen table on a cold winter’s day, when Adeline pops her head in from the sunroom.)

Adeline: Hey. Have you guys ever noticed that Buddy smells like a taco shell?

Jodie and Xiola: Um … er … uh …

Adeline: He does. You should smell him sometime.

Text

(Jodie is making dinner in the kitchen. In dining room, Caleb checks Craigslist to make sure no one has posted any new trucks or tractors in the five minutes since he last checked it. Adeline toots on a duck call that Xiola gave her for Christmas. This goes on for a solid six minutes before anyone intervenes.)

Caleb: Adeline. I know you just got that for Christmas, but can you please stop?

Adeline: But I’m just calling ducks.

Caleb: I know, but it’s getting annoying.

(Jodie’s head pops off and rolls around the kitchen at the idea that Caleb is putting a stop to something he finds “annoying”.

Adeline continues blowing into the call.)

Caleb: Adeline, I asked you to stop.

Adeline (stops blowing long enough to say): I don’t wanna.

(Caleb walks over and puts his hand out in the universal parenting sign of, “hand it over.” Adeline puts the duck call in Caleb’s hands.

Caleb proceeds to play the duck call for a solid six minutes.

Three minutes in, Jodie walks over, picks up her head and puts it back on her body, as the universe has now been restored to a state of normalcy.)

Quote

"Daddy, I will replenish your candy supply, but you have to savor it this time."

- ~ Adeline to Caleb
Text

(Caleb, Jodie and Adeline are watching the morning news together.)

Adeline: Know what would be cool? (Weirdly long pause, in which Caleb and Jodie look at her expectantly, eyebrows raised. When it become apparent, Adeline is not going to answer her own question without verbal prompting …)

Jodie: What?

Adeline: A room full of mattresses. (pause) It would be so comfortable.

Caleb: Actually, they do make rooms like that … they’re called padded rooms.

Text

(It is early morning on a Saturday. Jodie is sitting at the computer, in her usual fashion. Caleb ambles out of their bedroom.)


Caleb (singing): Match in the gas tank … boom boom.

Jodie: Are you living inside What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

Caleb: I AM Gilbert Grape.

Jodie: All righty then.

Quote

"Pheasy either attacked me, or was using my head as a perch."

- Adeline Morgetron (RE: Pheasy the chicken)
Text

(Adeline rushes in from outside after feeding the chickens.)

Adeline: Mom! I named ALL the chickens.

Jodie: How are you going to keep all 20 straight?

Adeline: Well the one with special markings all have special names. All of the white ones are named Todd.

Quote

"Quit greeting the kimchi on Twitter."

- Xiola Morgetron
Quote

"What would happen if a turkey buzzard came into the car with us?"

- Adeline Morgetron
Quote

"Instead of dancing interpretively in the middle of this gas station, will you please pick a snack?"

- Jodie Morgetron to Adeline Morgetron in a gas station in Missouri
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(Xiola walks into Jodie and Caleb’s bedroom where Jodie is folding laundry.)

Xiola: Hey. Our entryway smells funny.

Jodie: What does it smell like?

Xiola: I don’t know. (beat) It just smells funny.

Jodie: Like it smells … bad?

Xiola: No. It smells funny, as in (she throws her head back and laughs maniacally).

(Jodie is so proud of Xiola’s incredible sarcasm that she immediately pulls out a six-foot solid-gold sarcasm trophy from under her bed, and awards Xiola the Award for Most Sarcastic Family Member—one of the highest honors a Morgetron can achieve.)